Published: 2018 Satire Issue of The Bradford (a.k.a. The Badford).
It is well known that there exists at the high school mysterious groups of people — one might say cults — dedicated to their own missions. These people are fully committed to their causes and rarely interact with non-members. This cult culture has become a source of anxiety for the administration, which asked The Badford to conduct a full investigation into their rituals. Thus far, The Badford has identified four cults. Here begins the findings of our investigation:
Theater
Comprised of students with the capability to make exaggerated expressions and movements, the initiation process for this cult involves a rigorous system of “auditions” and the notoriously terrifying “call-backs.”
Embedded in their territory, the theater cult lingers in the creative arts wing, and encroaching on their territory can be an extremely frightening prospect for any who dares to venture there. This cult remains together constantly, often dining together in the middle of the day down their sacred wing of the school. This cult sacrifices all of their time to provide entertainment, all the while reporting to one leader: the director. The director orders the cult members’ placements on their platform: “the stage,” where they transform into other beings and relive others' stories.
Sports
At sporting events, they chant compulsory mantras in unison. Overly zealous, they very visibly portray their devotion to the cult and the cult’s leaders. All members of the cult, no matter how influential, report to one all-powerful leader: the coach. The coach requires unwavering obedience and appoints each cult member to their specific duty.
All members are required to devote much of their time to the cult, relinquishing not only prime after-school and weekend hours to the cult, but also extra time as cult members often bond through recreational activities.
Having bought into a compelling us-versus-them mentality, the cult faces other cults from neighboring towns in competitions of strength and skill, determined to come out on top.
Within the umbrella of sports cults, there exists smaller cults specific to the principles they practice. These smaller cults have specific tendencies that mark them as their own.
One particular cult runs in circles repeatedly, a custom many find confusing and unappealing. Many describe this cult, often comprised of both the most athletic and smartest students in the school, as the most developed. Dubbed “trackies," this cult often elicits the greatest fear from non-cult members.
No matter which sport cult, all members cling to each other. When asked to comment, however, all firmly denied the existence of the cults.
The Bradford
Members of this cult must undergo initiation before entering the cult; they are required to spend 5 months in a Bradford-training class and then participate in a swearing in ceremony, in which they are forced to repeat a saying before entering the cult.
Upon entering the Bradford, members separate themselves from the rest of the society by joining a group of about 25 people. After entering the elite group within this cult, the “editors,” members further disengage from the average population by leaving their previous 9:38 daily meeting groups for a solely Bradford meeting group.
Cult members approach people and practically force them to read the newspaper they produce.
The cult further forces themselves upon the average population through endless self-promotion, edging their way into the Friday Morning Announcements. In doing so, they effectively force their “news” onto the average population, who sits to watch with glazed eyes. In an attempt to further separate themselves from the rest of the school, this cult has their own shirts and sometimes special passes, which they present, gloating, as they walk past the simple regular population.
A Capella
Members of this cult arrange themselves in a double arc as they communicate through beats and rhythms that seem impossible to achieve to the common population. To outsiders, they appear to chant and sing in circles, like witches.
This cult constantly spends time together in their small group of singing elite, often “hanging out” together on the weekends and after performances (in which others marvel at the skills the members have honed in cult rituals).
This cult's favorite annual tradition involves public humiliation as they serenade unwilling victims with songs of love and interpretive dance. This custom has become so popular that students have begun paying members to conduct these rituals for their peers.